Plunge

When I was a kid, I thought that I could do whatever I wanted when I grew up. This was due to my ignorance of how the world worked and how little I knew about the world. When I grew up, I realized I could do whatever I wanted. This is due to how little I know about the world.

I had a transformative period between the ages of 21 and 23. It felt like everything changed during this time. I experienced an epiphanic breakthrough in understanding who I am and my reason for existing. During those years, I often went on walks, stared at myself in the mirror countless times, and constantly pondered. I was blindly trying to come up with the answer for two pressing questions that plagued my mind from my teenage years:

I was searching for freedom for 730 days.

I felt like there was something missing, but I was searching for an answer that I had known all along. It just took some time to realize it. I think this is due to the validating aspect of human nature. Sometimes we find answers to our questions by using other people as a mirror. This is why I’m a firm believer in togetherness and humanity as a collective. There’s a hard limit on how much you can grow without the help of others.

I read a manga called Hunter x Hunter roughly seven years ago and learned about a character named Ging Freecss, who's my favorite fictional character ever. We share identical traits regarding our outlook on life: do whatever you find fun and captivating, think nothing of the opinions of others, and don’t be afraid to get lost along the way. He’s someone who selfishly values his own goals and desires above everything else. He’s someone who doesn’t care about being liked or disliked; he just wants to be himself. There is no facade about him.

I wouldn’t have accepted the following realization without understanding Ging’s mindset and character, which confirmed what I knew about myself but was hoping to find that reaffirmation of judgment in someone else:

I’m genuinely selfish.

Well, at least to a fault, when it comes to my desires. I’m aware of this however, so I treat it like a vice and try to not let it consume me. I also came to another realization:

I genuinely enjoy helping people. For some strange reason, I find myself to be happier seeing others happy.

I was searching for freedom for 730 days.

If you’re wondering if I ever managed to find out the answers to those two questions, I did. I’m Brimey. I selfishly chase after whatever I deem interesting or fun. I also want to help as many people as possible along the way and make my own mark on this world. I want to keep getting stronger, whether that be in terms of resources or knowledge, to be able to willfully move the life trajectory of those around me, vertically. That's all that matters to me.

It's always bittersweet seeing kids babble on about things that make absolutely zero sense to anyone but themselves. Yet, if you listen closely, there's a strange form of truth in their words. Their lucid soliloquies, unbounded by life's experiences, grant them that right. I think many adults envy that freedom, and rightfully so. Many adults feel jaded as a result of feeling like that freedom was stolen from them without permission. Because we know what's on the other side of that door as the years pass. Despite this, I believe we're obligated to try and protect that freedom.

The perception of power and the will to use it is as important as the power itself. All the power you wished for in your youth has been granted to you over the years, and yet you've somehow lost the will to do anything with it. What happened? Maybe you've had the power all along. Maybe you didn't. Maybe there was never a spoon to begin with. Only you know. But it's worth attempting to find out.

Searching for a utopia is a fool’s errand. There's no “just turn it off” solution. It’s all just hard work, bloody knuckles, and endless fighting against entropy. The only way is up and through the fire. The lowest we can go is the highest we can reach. You were young before and you were full of dreams then. You’re not young anymore, but you can still dream.